If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
