Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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