i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you had me at cake vodka
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
