Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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