So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
