i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
