Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
