I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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