Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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