Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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