im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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