I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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