I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
