my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
