I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
