No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
