I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
