her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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