so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize