Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
