yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
