I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
