we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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