When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
