I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize