dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
