I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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