So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
