i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
