my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
