My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
