my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
