i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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