Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
