We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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