I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
