We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
