Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
