Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
