i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
there is puke in my bra ... again
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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