my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
