I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
