mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
