Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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