Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
