the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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