Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
