Quick, to the slutcave!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
