Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
