Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
