i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
