i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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