I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
