tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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