she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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