Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
