Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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