hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I want her autograph on my taint
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Someone signed my nipple.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
