i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
