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So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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